Dreamer

by ~Thoughtful15

      The day had ended with the feeling of disappointment and rejection; just another day. Humiliation is a feeling that I can't get use to no matter how many times I endure it. These feelings are too common for me now, like second nature. Why do I do this to myself? I know how it ends and what the answer will be.
      "You'll find someone, Addy. Don't worry about it." Julie encouraged me after I told her about my attempt to ask Cory Brian out.
      "Yeah of course," I mumbled sarcastically into the receiver. "Hey, Julie, I'll just talk to you later. "
      I heard Julia groan on the other end of the line. "No!" She protested. "You always do this!"
      "I do not!" I said defensively. "Do what?"
      "You become depressed and sleep and avoid people. Don't do this."
      I sighed. "I'm not going to do anything, I have homework I should be doing."
      Julie paused for a moment, not quite believing me but said ok anyway. I smiled, said goodbye then hung up the phone. I threw my cell to the side and ignored the thump it made as it slid of my bed and fell to the floor. I turned over onto my side and looked out my window for a moment, eyes getting heavy. I told Julie that I wasn't going to be depressed but how can I not? Every guy I have ever liked rejected me. I never had a real boyfriend. Am I really just that abominable?
      I buried my face in my pillow as the memories of all the guys that turned me down rolled into my mind. I felt hot tears spring to my eyes and soak my pillow. My stomach ached and I tried to clear my mind of unwanted questions and thoughts. Why doesn't anyone I like, like me? My friends tell me that I'm a catch; smart, funny, nice pretty but all my experiences say otherwise. I don't want to change who I am but  that is probably something I would have to do to find love in this world
      I shook my head. No. I can't do that, it can't be true. The feeling in my stomach reached my chest and fresh sobs escaped me. My breathing felt uneven but eventually I managed to cry myself to sleep.
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      The day was bitter but the cold felt refreshing. I was sitting at the edge of an ice rink putting on my skates, wondering where my friends were. I stood in a daze and started to skate around the ice. A good crowd of people were out today enjoying the rink and I wondered why I was here by myself. I wasn't very good at skating and today I felt even worse.
      As I turned the bend, a small group of people were getting on the ice and they were completely oblivious to my approach. I gasped and quickly served to avoid collision. I felt my right skate slip from under me and I fell, landing hard on my back side.
      "Ow!" I exclaimed at the pain. The next thing I knew, there is a person kneeling next to me.
      "Are you alright?" A man's voice said; I glanced up. He had short, wavy black hair and his dark brown eyes looked down at me with concern. I pushed my own light brown hair from my face as I looked up at him.
      "Um…no…uh I mean yeah, I'm fine." I stammered.
      "That's good." He smiled and offered a hand to help me up. I took his hand and we stood. "I'm Jason, by the way."
      "Addy." I introduced myself shyly; I dropped my hand when I realized that I was still holding his and looked down, blushing. He smiled.
      "You took a pretty hard fall there. Are you new to skating, Addy? "
      "No, I've been skating befo-"My skates slid out from under me again, cutting my sentence off, and I quickly reached out. My hands landed on Jason's shoulders and his hands supported me from under my elbows. We looked at each other for a moment then he laughed. I laughed too, awkward and embarrassed.
      "Uh yeah, you might as well say I'm new to it." I looked down at my skates, hoping they would behave long enough not to make any more of a fool out of me.
      "So are you here by yourself, Addy?" Jason asked quietly. "Maybe we can get some hot chocolate." His face looked slightly hopefully but that might have just been too good a thing to happen to me.
      Nonetheless, my stomach flipped at his unexpected suggestion. "Oh, um...no..." His face fell slightly and I spoke the rest in a rush. "Uh... I mean yes. I'm alone and hot chocolate sounds good." What gave me the courage to say yes to him? It was like a miracle. We exchanged smiles and I realized that I couldn't say no to such a sweet thing.
      We went to put our shoes on, then we walked to the concession stand; the time from the rink to stand seemed to pass in a blur. We sat at a picnic table away from everyone else with our hot chocolate, which had generous amount of whipped cream on top.
      "So tell me about yourself, Addy." Jason said as he took a sip of his drink and watched me.
      My stomach cringed at being put on the spot by this cute boy. I fumbled at the cup jacket of my hot chocolate as I answered, not looking at Jason. "Um well there's not much to tell. I mean you already know I suck at ice skating…." I trailed off and glanced up at Jason. He still watched me with interest.
      "Um well I listen to a lot of music," I continued. "I have my mp3 player on almost all the time and I like to read and write."
      "You sound very artistic." Jason commented suddenly.
      I shrugged. "Not really."
      He smiled. "No, I really think you are. How about we get together sometime and talk more about it?"
      I felt my entire being pause at his question. I was totally and completely taken off guard, it must have shown on my face for Jason looked concerned now.
      "Addy?"
      "Uhm…" I hesitated as I shook myself back to reality. "Sure, that sounds good."
      Jason grinned. "Great! How about we meet tomorrow, same time, same place?" I nodded. "Great. See you tomorrow, Addy."
      I watched as Jason walked away, still in mild shock that he wanted to see me again.
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      I woke the next morning in the same clothes as yesterday. I looked around my room and everything was the same, as if the day before has never happened. Then I remembered: I have a date with Jason later today after school! I quickly ran to my closet to find something to wear then hurriedly got ready for school.
      When I got to school, I went in search for my friends in our usually meeting place in the morning. My small group of friends was by their lockers that face the small courtyard opposite of them. Julia shut her locker as I approached and greeted me with a welcome smile.
      "Hey what's up? Were you ok after we hung up last night?"
      I paused. "Last night?"
      "Yeah, you sounded really depressed. Did you fall asleep?" She had a worried expression on her face. Another friend next to her, Brenda, gave me a little shove.
      "Don't worry about her, Jul, Addy's a tough girl. No guy can bring her down, huh Addy?"
      I didn't respond. I was too horrified by what was just brought to my attention. Yesterday I went to ice rink with Jason but I was also on the phone with Julie, then went to bed. How can that be? Unless….
      "Damn it," I leaned heavily against the lockers and put my head back. "It was a dream." I mumbled.
      "What's wrong Addy?" Julie asked, taking a step forward and with Brenda at her side.
      I shook my head. "Nothing," I straightened up. "Don't worry about it." Just then the bell rang.
           "I'll see you guys later." I walked to first period as fast as I could, before Julie and Brenda could ask any more questions.
      I should have known. The ice rink, Jason, it was all just too good to be true so of course it was all just a dream. This is just my luck. Fuck my life.
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      School went by slowly; since I didn't have anywhere to go after school I just wanted to go home. After being nagged by my mom about not going out enough, I went up stairs and shut myself in my room.
      I turned on my stereo and blasted Everyday by Nine Inch Nails, then sat disconsolately at my desk.
      It had seemed my life had taken a turn for the better. I'm a below average student, no extracurricular activities and never had a real boyfriend. Meeting Jason at the ice rink had been the best thing that had happened to me since I started high school three years ago. But I have to get over it; he wasn't real and I'll never see him again.
      I picked up my pen and began to write random words that related to how I felt – depressed, worthless, forgotten. As the words flow through me to the paper I began to feel my eyes to get heavy. Figures - fatigue was a sign of depression and I've been feeling more and more tired lately.
      I laid my head down on the desk and sighed. I know I shouldn't give into sleep but it's so welcoming and real life just seems too hard, sleep is just easier to deal with. Is my life really this bad though? After a moment's thought of all the times I've failed in school, been bullied by my peers and all the guys that have rejected me I've decided yes, my life really is that bad, and fall into sleep.
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      It was a nice sunny day at the park; people took advantage of the weather to go on picnics and play games outside. I sat on a bench under a tree and looked out on all the people having fun. How long have I been sitting here? Felt like a while. I watched a family take a stroll through the park twice and a couple share a meal next to large lake a several yards in front of me.
      Suddenly there was a disturbance near me. I looked up to see a familiar face, one that made my heart flutter.
       "Jason?" I uttered in disbelief.
      "Hey Addy," Jason greeted as he walked awkwardly over to me. "Mind if I sit?"
      I shrugged at his question and he took the seat next to me.
      "So, how are you?" He asked after a minute silence.
      "Well it was a good day today," I glanced at him. "Until I realized you're just a figment of my imagination." My gazed dropped to look over the lake.
      I heard Jason sigh next to me and hesitate before he spoke. "I was afraid you'd say that."
      "What?" I said suddenly, my voice going high. "You knew this wasn't real?" I shot an angry glare at him but couldn't look at him for long; after a moment I was looking back over the lake.
      "If by 'not real' you mean a dream, then no." He paused and looked down. "Well I had a feeling at least."
      "What?" I said, adverting my gaze back to him.
      Jason scooted away from me as I shouted at him and put his hands up in surrender. "I'm sorry but I can tell between real life and my dreams." He put his hands down and leaned toward me. "But this dream feels more real than any I ever had before…"
      "Wa-wa-wa-wait." I waved my hand to stop him. He paused and looked at me questioningly. "Your dream? Dude, I'm the one dreaming. You're just in my head, a guy I made up."
      Jason raised an eyebrow. "No, I know you're just someone I made up; a girl so perfect, like you must be my imagination."
      I felt my face turn scarlet. I tried to shake it off before he noticed but I was almost sure he did. "Now I know that's a lie. There's no such thing as perfection. I'm so flawed beyond measure." I looked down at my hands in my lap. "That's why I know that I must be the one dreaming because I know that a guy like you would never like me."
      There was silence now and I wondered what he was thinking. I felt sadness settle in my chest then begin to well up to my throat as I thought about it. I took a deep breath as the same old feelings of fault rose up; it didn't even matter that I was like this in front of Jason, he wasn't real. Still, a part of me felt like this was really happening.
      Suddenly I felt Jason close beside me, his hand on my shoulder in a comforting manner. I looked up at him. He gazed back at me.
      "Addy, you're beautiful and modest. I don't know much about you but I'll spend as much time as I need to, do whatever it takes, to simply get to know you. Perfection may not exist but you're perfectly imperfect." He smiled. Then he leaned forward to press his lips gently to mine.
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      The rest of the day went like this: after I blushed massively from Jason's kiss, we agreed to try this whole 'dream dating' thing out – it was also mutual how crazy all this was and agreed not to mention it to anyone. Then we went for a walk around the giant lake, giving us time to get to know each other. I told him about my small group of close friends, how I'm not the best student, and how I'm the youngest of four. Jason told me how he had a little brother, worked at restaurant as a waiter and how he fixed up cars as a part time job as well as for fun.
      We lingered on the topic of music for the longest time. He was more into jazz and techno and I liked metal and emo. However we found some bands we both liked like Nickelback and Shinedown. Neither of us have been to a concert of such a famous band, only to local shows, and agreed that, if possible, we should go to one.
      This brought up the next part of our conversation: If we are dreaming this, what can we do?
      "Anything I suppose." Jason had said. "Anything and everything can happen in dreams."
      "But wouldn't it be random? I mean can we really control what we dream? And how would we even know how to find each other?"
      Jason shrugged. "I'm not worried." He gazed down at me. "I suppose we'll see." He smiled and I couldn't help but grin too.
      Our walked ended – too quick if you ask me – and it was time to depart. We agreed to meet at the same time tomorrow – where we don't know. When we said our goodbyes, we hugged briefly. He felt warm and soft and I wished it would have been longer.
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      I awoke at my desk in the same place as I fell asleep earlier. I sat up and stretched my aching muscles then relaxed once more. I stared down at my desk. I had my first kiss and it was amazing. It was in a dream though. Would that even be considered my first kiss? It sure felt real.
      I tried not to linger on my date with Jason however. As real as it felt it was still in my head; no sense getting worked up over it and getting my hopes up. I just can't get past that it was just a dream. I allowed myself to look forward to seeing Jason again anyway, and all day at school that was what I thought of, that is when I had the free time to think.
      At lunch I sat down at the table with my friends. They began to talk about school and how much they hated the teachers. I found it hard to concentrate on the conversation; Jason kept sneaking into my mind making me want to go to sleep right now.
      "Hello? Earth to Addy!" A hand was waved in front of my face and I jumped. Julie laughed. "What's going on up in that head of yours, chica?"
      I smiled and shook my head. "Nothing, just a tiring day."
      Brenda nudged me. "Well wake up! You're amongst friends now!" I laughed but didn't say anything.
      "So you guys going to homecoming?" Julie asked.
      Brenda scoffed. "I wouldn't be caught dead there."
      "Bitch you're going! You both are!"
      I shook my head. "No it'd just be pathetic if I went without a date."
      "Well none of us have dates." Brenda pointed out.
      "I do!" Julie exclaimed and giggled.
      Brenda and I looked at Julie in surprise.
      "Bitch, fuck you." Brenda laughed – we all laugh in unison - then scooted closer to Julie and grabbed her arm. "Spill! Who is it?"
      As Julie and Brenda discussed homecoming and dates my mind went back to Jason but this time my heart sank. I would never go to homecoming, it wasn't my thing, but if I had a date I probably wouldn't mind. But I would want Jason to be my date. How would that even be possible?
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      That night before going to bed, I wondered how the meeting with Jason would be. What I was really worried about was what I would wear. Would what I wear in real life be what I wear in my dream? Sometimes when people are nervous about something before they go to bed they have a dream they are in their underwear. Would that happen to me? I pray to God that it won't.
      I went to bed sleeping in a pair of jeans and a black and white stripped t-shirt with a black vest over it – better safe than sorry – and suddenly appeared on the top of a building looking over roof tops. There wasn't anything on the roof I was on, just an air duct, but others had clothes lines, gardens and fire escapes. I was all alone.
      It was very quiet on the roof and I felt terribly awkward. I wasn't sure if Jason was running late or if he was just in a different place entirely, thinking the exact same thing I am; I felt like this is a dream now more than ever. I was all alone on this roof top with only the sound of the wind. This roof must be symbolism for how my life is and will end up being: lonely.
      I sat on the edge of the roof and looked down. The building went on into a black, bottomless pit, so I was stuck here. I sighed and watched the sun set in the distance. Hopefully the night will pass quickly and I'll wake up from this nightmare. I'm so embarrassed to think that I was actually going to be happy for once.
      "Sorry I'm late." A voice sounded in the silence, making me jump nearly off the side of the building. I quickly turned around and found Jason walking over to me, smiling. I watched him as he took a seat next to me. "I wasn't sure how this whole dream date works."
      "Didn't know what to wear?"
      Jason's cheeks redden as he looked away for a moment. "Yeah,"
      We smiled at each other for moment then dropped our gazes.
      "So," Jason broke the silence. "What are we supposed to do on this roof top?"
      "I have no clue; it wasn't my idea to come here."
      "It wasn't mine either." We laughed then Jason put his arm around my shoulders; I felt my heart jump at his touch. I looked at him from the corner of my eye and saw his gaze quickly shift to focus on the horizon having just been caught watching me.
      "So um," I hesitated. Jason looked at me as I spoke and I tried to think of something to say before I blushed. "Uh, how's life?" I rushed out the sentence.
      Jason chuckled. "Life's good, I'd say, you?"
      "I'd say that too."
      There was silence again but this time Jason was quicker to break it. He pulled me closer and smiled.
      "You know, I've been thinking about this all day."
      "You were?"
      He nodded. "It's the highlight of my day."
      I smiled and looked away shyly as I murmured, "mine too." I wasn't sure he heard me until suddenly he pulled me closer and kissed me softly on the lips.
      I kissed him back though I don't think mine was delicate since excitement had begun to rise in my chest. I pressed my lips to his with a bit more force and he returns with more vigor as he moved his hands up my back and pulled me closer. I ran one hand threw his soft, wavy hair and the other one held his neck, holding him close. Our lips opened and his tongue entered my mouth; I welcomed it with my own. We kissed fiercely and his subtlety guided me onto my back.
      My heart began to race as I felt the weight of Jason lying on top of me. His lips move from mine to my jaw and down to my neck, his warm breath made my head spin and body tingle. The feeling of his hands was electrifying; it sent shivers through me as they moved down my body and to the hem of my shirt. He pulled his face away from mine, his eye's asking for permission.
      I hesitated to answer, knowing what he wanted but not sure how far go. Just a few days ago I was in a slump, being turned down by every guy that came my way and now I'm in the arms of this wonderful guy that I only just met but feel closer to then anyone.
      Because I made him up, a voice tells me and I remember this is all a dream. No matter what I do this is all just in my head; an illusion, a fantasy I've made up to cope with the rejection I've endure throughout my life. But instead of helping me, I realized that all this imaginary shit has done to me was taunt me, saying that I'm too pathetic to experience real love, that I have to come up with a love that was specious.
      Jason saw my fallen expression and retreated, leaving my side and moving back to the edge of the roof. "Sorry, "he mumbles, remorseful. "It was too far."
      I sat up and moved over to him. "No, it's not that, it's just…" I trail off, looking down into the darkness of the never ending building.
      Jason just shook his head. "I'm sorry."
      I look back at him but say nothing for a moment, then curse under my breath.
      Jason looked at me apologetically. "I'm very sorry, Addy, I don't –"
      "No," I cut him off. "It's not that it's just…this…this isn't real!" I managed to get the words out through a sudden rush of anger I have towards myself for coming up with this whole thing.
      Jason took my hands and tries to catch my gaze, confused. "Addy, what are you talking about? This is very real."
      I shook my head and stand. I have to get away from him, from this lie. Jason just followed me and grabed me wrist to turn me to face him.
      "Addy…"
      "No." I said, breaking free. "This isn't real! You're not real! This all just a dream, a stupid, fucking dream!" I felt a tingle in my nose and prickling behind my eyes as the tears begin to well.
      "I refuse to believe that." Jason said firmly.
      I turned to face him, ready to shout and scream, but before I could utter a sound, he rushed out his say. "Let me prove it to you. Let's meet somewhere when we're both awake."
      I stared at him with wide eyes. How dare he suggest such a thing! It's one thing for me to think that he's not real but it's another proving that I'm crazy for having believed so much in all this. It'd just be another rejection, I can't handle that.
      I shook my head fretfully. "No. No, no, no I don't want to do that."
      "Why not?" Jason pleaded. "Please Addy, I need to know…"
      "No, I can't..."
      "What then?" Jason's voice rose, his annoyance growing. "You just want to forget all that's happened?"
      "It's not real!" I protested, tears springing from my eyes. "I mean how can it? This is just in my head, a dream. Dreams don't belong in the real world!" I wished this would just end, that Jason would just let this argument die. I wanted to believe him; I wanted to believe that he's to be real so much it hurts. I turned away, shutting my eyes tight and letting the tears fall. "This is just crazy."
      "But that's what love is." Jason said
      I paused for a moment, taking in what he said but not quite sure I heard him right. I turn to face him. "What?"
      Jason watches me for a moment then takes a few steps forward until he's right in front of me and looks in my eyes. "Love is crazy. It doesn't make sense but it's too good to waste."
      I searched his determined expression and shook my head, lowering my gaze uncomfortably. "I only just met you…"
      "Then why risk not finding love by throwing away the opportunity?"
      I looked up at him and find his eyes looking back, pleading and full of hope. "How can you be so sure; so optimistic?" I searched his expression, trying to find an answer.
      Jason blinked and took my hands in his then looked deep into my eyes. "Because I love you Addy."
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      I woke up the next morning in the same clothes as I went to sleep but in a different position; pillows and sheets were bunched and knocked around like I had a bad night's sleep. I took a deep breath and rubbed my hands over my face, feeling where the tears had stained my cheeks and the memories from my dream date with Jason began to roll into my mind and one moment in particular lingered.
      Because I love you Addy
      The words replayed in my mind several times but each time seemed as surreal as before. I never thought anyone would ever say those words. I've been turned down so many times that I wanted to give up and accept that I was never going to meet someone. Then Jason came along and made me the happiest ever been.
      And at the same time the worst.
      The best guy I've ever met liked me back and he's just a dream. I feel another twinge in my chest as I remember what he said and longed for it to be real.
      After Jason had proclaimed his love for me I stood there dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say, I was thrilled yet angry and couldn't decided which emotion to go on. He understood though. He just held me and said it was ok but it was clear he was hurt.
      I did manage to say one thing though. I agreed to meet him. He was thrilled and I gave him the address of this park nearby my house where we could meet at nine o'clock.
      I was a nervous wreck all day. It was Saturday, so I didn't have school keep my mind occupied and my friends were all busy getting ready to the Homecoming later the same night.
      The day passed quickly and everything I did would somehow remind me of Jason and how I'm finally going to see if he was real or just a figment of my imagination. I've heard that to believe in one's dreams is a manifestation of insanity; or at least that was what the psychiatrist said in Willy Wonka. Even if it was just off of some movie, maybe that quote had some truth to it. Dreams really are just made up images the mind creates as we sleep, how can two people possibly meet through them?
      But despite these doubts, I've already said I'd meet him. Also, it's not like I have anything better to do; if I didn't go to the park, I'd just sit at home all alone and watch a bootleg movie online or something. I didn't have anything to lose by going either. I've had plenty of heart breaks and rejections; this would be just one more. I'm already lower then low by thinking that I'm not worth anything so it can only go up from here.
      By the time it was a quarter to nine, I've convinced myself almost completely that Jason wasn't going to show but got up from my desk and threw my black hoodie on anyway. I quietly snuck from my room and out the front door before parents or siblings could stop me.
      I tried to keep a steady pace as I walked to the park; I wanted to hurry. Over the course of high school, I've learned to know better then to get excited about something or to have too much hope because when you give too much hope, you're bound to be disappointed. And I was disappointed a lot.
      The park was small with only a slide and a few swings. It was lit by the street lights and headlights of cars passing by. It was almost completely silent; the only noise was from the music down the street from the high school's homecoming.
      I sat at a swing, my hands deep in my pockets for warmth, and pushed myself back and forth with my feet. I checked my watch. It was nine and I was alone.  I continued to swing; maybe he just needed a few more minutes. I wanted to believe that he was just running late, he has never been to this part of town before after all, but my knowledge from passed experiences told me that it was all just too good to be true and Jason wasn't coming.
      I clenched my teeth together and stared at the ground, fighting back tears. I knew he wasn't real, but I hoped. So stupid; I'm so stupid; and ugly; and not worth anything. I should just give up on people and on life.
Being all alone, in the dark and quite, welcomed me to lean forward and cry into my hands. I sobbed, wishing that I could have just one thing that would make my life worth living. All I had in life was heart ach, jealousy and anger, with other people but mostly me.
In the distance, a Miley Cyrus song played and added annoyance to the long list of negative emotions I felt. I stood from the swing and began to walk out of the park in an angry pace. As I walked to the side walk, some car pulled up along the curb and illuminated me in light. I glanced at the car but continued to walk quickly.  
"Addy?" Voice came from the car behind me, he cut the engine off. I didn't slow my pace.
"Addy?" The voice called again, more excitedly. It was a man's voice. I stopped in my tracks and slowly realized who it was.
"Jason," I whispered, stunned and turned to face him. We smiled at each other and I could feel more tears leaking from my eyes. I saw his eyes begin to glisten too. I ran over to him, wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug, not wanting to ever let go. He did the same and for the first time in my life I actually felt loved and that I actually did mean something.
Jason pulled away a little bit but only to tilt my chin up so he could kiss me. The warmth of his embrace and lips on mine sent my heart thumping; I was so happy, the tears began to roll down my cheeks.
Jason wiped them away, "Why are you crying?"
"I'm just so….happy…" I looked away, "I didn't think you were real."
Jason pulled me close to him. "I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean to come late, I was having doubts too."
We stood there holding each other for I don't know how long but after a while Jason pulled away again and smiled at me. I smiled back. He took a step back and I watched, not wanting him to go but I was curious.
He offered his hand out to me. "May I have this dance?"
My heart flipped at his sudden question "Huh?" I listened and I could hear distance music from the dance; a piano playing with Steven Tyler singing. I blushed but took Jason's hand.
He smiled at me and brought me close to him, putting his hands on my hips and I wrapped my arms around his neck. I smiled and blushed massively; I never slow danced before. Jason smiled and just held me close, leading me around.
The chorus played and glanced up at Jason; he looked into my eyes.
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing

I smiled and felt so happy being with him, dancing with him, being in his arms. It felt right, like that was where I belonged. His gaze never wavered from my eyes; I could tell he felt the exact same way.
Jason leaned in and gave me the sweetest kiss. "I love you," He whispered in my ear.
I smiled, "I love you, too."